Polyamory

About Polyamory

Polyamory: definition

Polyamory (or the more British spelling 'polyamoury') is also referred to as 'responsible non-monogamy' or just 'poly'. It is the state of having, or being oriented to having, multiple concurrent intimate relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned.

Polyamory does not necessarily imply that the relationships are sexual, but they usually are. Some poly relationships may be non-sexual (platonic) romances, with an intimate emotional, psychological, and/or intellectual connection beyond what would merely be called "friendship."

Successful polyamorous relationships generally require a high level of self-awareness, honesty (especially with oneself), introspection, self-security, and communication among all concerned. Polyamory is not for the faint of heart or wussies.

Origin of the Word

The word 'polyamory' is derived from the Greek poly-, 'many', and the Latin amor, 'love'. The word was invented independently in 1990 by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart (in the adjectival form 'poly-amorous') and in 1992 by Jennifer L. Wesp. (Reference: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2007/01/polyamory-enters-oxford-english.html )

Forms of Polyamory

Poly relationships can take a wide variety of forms. A person may have two lovers who having only passing knowledge of each other, or lovers who are close friends, or lovers who are also romantically and sexually involved with each other (an "equilateral triad"). A married or otherwise life-bonded couple ('primaries') may have less-involved relationships with other lovers ('secondaries'). The commonest poly formation is probably the 'vee' (three people with two of them not romantically involved); a vee may be called a "triad" if their lives are deeply intertwined, sex or no. A 'full' or 'equilateral' triad involves romantic relationships between all three -- but the three relationships need not be 'equal'. In fact, it is a piece of poly wisdom that no two relationships are exactly the same, and trying to force them to be equal is asking for trouble. Larger groups may be 'quads' of four with various degrees of interconnectedness, 'quints' of five, or 'intimate networks' of more people with more complicated geometry.

"Poly Mantra"

Since the 1980s, and especially since the 1990s, the poly community has grown enormously and shared many hard-won, trial-and-error lessons within the community, both in person and, especially, online. The most often-cited lesson is the so-called poly mantra: "Communicate, communicate, communicate."

A habit of open and honest communication, experience has shown, is almost always required to enable everyone to understand what is going on with each other's emotions and thoughts -- and in the absence of such openness, problems in a poly group are almost guaranteed. Communicating your thoughts and emotions (positive and negative) sooner rather than later helps avert hard feelings and difficult situations, or forces them onto the table. Your partners cannot 'read your mind' and will not 'just understand or know'; such romanticized ideals are quickly put aside by successful polyfolks. When a problem arises, be open, honest, calm, and understanding, and all may eventually work itself out. Some poly people and groups hold regular 'family meetings' to promote the early airing of nascent problems. If serious problems do not resolve, you might seek the help of a poly-friendly counselor. The books Radical Honesty, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and Nonviolent Communication may help give you perspective and effective communication tools.

Cheating/Adultery

Polys define cheating as the breaking of an agreement or understanding. Most married or bonded couples have an agreement, either explicit or culturally implied, not to have sex with other people. Polys have a wide variety of explicit agreements and understandings (which, many believe, are best put in writing in order to prevent later confusion, evasion, or wishful thinking).

In sexual terms, cheating can be defined as engaging in an intimate relationship with an outside person without the consent or knowledge of your existing partner(s). This usually involves lying, deceiving, or omission of important facts. Cheating is antithetical to polyamory and is usually and fatal to it. Polyamory requires informed consent and knowledge from all parties involved -- and, experience shows, consistently high integrity overall.

Adultery is a legal term referring to sex with an outside partner while married, and the word normally implies cheating. A more extensive treatise on adultery from the Christian perspective is handled in the book 'Divine Sex'.

Swinging

Swinging is not polyamory, and the difference is often a sore spot when poly people are speaking with non-polys about what polyamory is. Swinging refers to recreational sex, generally with little emotional involvement. Swinging is typically done by couples attending special swing venues or parties together. Swinging communities often have rules, explicit or implied, against falling in love with others in your swing group. Sometimes people who swing tire of sex for its own sake and wish for more personal connections. Sometimes two or more swing couples simply grow to become close life friends. In either case, people may find themselves drifting away from swinging and into the wonderful and challenging world of polyamory.

Conversely, polyamorists can be swingers too, happy to enjoy an occasional no-strings fling at a party or sex club. But the two circles tend to be different in terms of sociology, class, philosophy, and intellectual background. Many polys shun swinging because of negative connotation associated with it. The mainstream attitude is that swinging is wrong and immoral; the mainstream attitude toward polyamory is similar, but polys usually resist being stigmatized as caring only about sex.

A group could be an open triad with a relationship agreement stating that swinging is OK, and one or more of the participants engages in swinging. The triad relationship would still be polyamorous, but the relationship with the outside swinging partners would not be.

Jealousy

Jealousy is the big 'monster-in-the-closet' for many relationships regardless of their form. It is a special issue for polyamory, since participants have to face personal fears and insecurities (the roots of jealousy) that a monogamous couple may avoid. The righteousness of feeling jealous is supported by our culture in movies, cultural values, religion, and laws, but jealousy something that is learned and therefore can be unlearned. Many couples battle with it (in and outside of poly), and is a common reason for emotional turmoil and breakups in poly relationships, especially near the beginning. Defeating jealousy in your life may require a tremendous amount of soul searching, introspection, honesty and communication.

There are many sites/pages on the internet and books that deal with this issue. There are a few links below.

Compersion/Frubble

'Compersion' (or the British 'frubble') is the state of feeling joy at the joy of another loved one, specifically when a loved one is relating to another person intimately; such as a husband feeling joy at seeing or knowing that his wife is enjoying  time with her new boyfriend.

Compersion is the complete opposite of jealousy. Compersion is a goal to which polyfolk often aspire in order to break negative cultural programming and increase their satisfaction and happiness in their poly relationships.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) or Limerence

NRE (resulting from limerence) is the honeymoon phase of the relationship when everything is new and exciting  and brain chemicals keep you in a potentially blind emotional high. It teypically lasts 6 months to 2 or 3 years. This 'high' can have you doing things that you would not do while in a normal and objective frame of mind. When you are engaging in a new relationship you will want to guard yourself and your relationships from this as best you can.

Once the 'love-struck' or 'blinded-by-love' condition wears off some find themselves, in retrospect, having made bad decisions, hurting and neglecting those that they love and have committed themselves to. NRE can be seen as a sort of a not-so-short sickness that one has to deal with and monitor for fear of negatively impacting your relationships with emotional and love-struck decisions.

Relationship Agreement

Poly relationships are wide and varied in their form, assumptions, and ideologies. What one person takes for granted and assumes may not be true for the others in the relationship, so many find it useful to form a relationship agreement. These agreements, when done, are generally written, but can be completely oral; many are setup as a relationship contact that is agreed and signed by all so there are no misunderstandings. Relationship Agreements can be a very useful tool, especially to those that are new to poly, to help verbalize and work through their thoughts, assumptions, and ramifications of the agreement, as well as to solidify a joint definition of their relationship and acceptable practices.

It is important to remember that relationships are not static, especially poly relationships where people can come and go as time goes on, and you will need revisit this agreement, and bargain and change the agreement to reflect the change in the relationship and your needs. The document should be a living breathing extension of your relationship changing as much as you change.

Related Terms and Definitions

closed

see polyfidelity

dyad

an intimate committed relationship with two people

golden unicorn

slang term for the bisexual female that is desired as a intimate and sexual partner for both members of a Dyad, most likely with the intent to form a Triad. In most cases this is for an established MF Dyad whose female is also bisexual.

monogamy

marrying only one other person; the opposite of polygamy

monamorous

loving only one other person; the opposite of polyamory

open

an relationship formation that is open to intimacy from outside their primaries, such as an Open Dyad

open marriage

a marriage in which the spouses have agreed to have intimate partners outside their marriag

polyandry

a subset of polygamy

the state of a woman having more than one husband

polyandry, fraternal

a subset of polygamy

the state of a woman having more than one husband that are brothers related by blood

statistically, this is commonly the most successful form of polyandry

polyfidelity

'polyfi' for short

a relationship with committed partners that is closed to outside partners

polygamy

the state of having more than one spouse

polygyny

a subset of polygamy

the state of a man having more than one wife

polygyny, sororal

a subset of polygamy

the state of a man having more than one wife that are sisters related by blood

statistically, this is commonly the most successful form of polygyny

primary

Refers to the most committed relationships, which are also most likely the most important relationships such as a husband, wife, life partner, or committed relationship with. The most time and energy is spent with a persons primaries. Some do not like this terminology, but others find it fitting and exacting.

quad

an intimate committed relationship with four people

secondary

Refers to relationships that take secondary importance to their primary relationships, such as new girlfriend or long term casual long distance love. Some do not like this terminology, but others find it fitting and precise.

triad

an intimate committed relationship with three people

trouple

A trouple is 3 people involved in a romantic relationship; whereas two people in a romantic relationship are referred to as a 'couple'. a dyad that is dating a third would be referred to as a trouple.

V

a relationship form where there is a single person (at the V's hinge) to which both other members are sexually intimate with and are not intimate with each other, which is a typical formation for a FMF or MFM triad

Polyamory References and Resources

Articles (Individual)

• Bouquet of Lovers, A: Church of All Worlds (CAW)
• Links on Delicious 
• Jealousy: at The Inn Between
• Poly (Greek, "Multiple") Amor (Latin, "Love")
• Polyamory for the Monogamous
• Practical Jealousy Management: Fixing the Relationship
• Search Engine for Polyamory from Google Coop

Audio and Video

• Couples Guide to Polyamory, A: Video (video)
• Polyamory Weekly (podcast)

Books

• Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray
• Divine Sex: Liberating Sex from Religious Tradition
• Myth of Monogamy, The
  
• Ethical Slut, The: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
• Loving More: The Polyfidelity Primer
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex
• Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage
• Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts
• Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships
• Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful
• Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth
• Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters: From Dating, Shopping, and Praying to Going to War and Becoming a Billionaire - Two Evolutionary Psychologists Explain Why We Do What We Do

Discussion Groups, Meetings, Mailing Lists

Many of the sites mentioned through out this article have forums as well. You will most likely want to search for a group that is local to you as well. Many major cities have poly lists, meetings, and support groups.

• Expansive Loving (Yahoo Groups)
• Loving More (Yahoo Groups)
• Polyfidelity 2 (Yahoo Groups)
• Unitarian Universalist Polyamory list
  
• Polyamory Meetups (from Meetup.com)
• Yahoo Groups (Search for Polyamory)
• Google Groups (Search for Polyamory)

Sites, Organizations, and Professionals

• Loving More
• Poly Families
• Poly Friendly Professionals
• Polyamorous Misanthrope
• Polyamory Percolations
• Unitarian Univeralists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA)
• World Polyamory Association (WPA)