Love and Relationships

Introduction

        Love is complicated, to put it mildly. Researchers are still working hard to understand the biological causes of the feelings we call love. Heck, we are still trying to come up with an all encompassing definition of the word. As it is right now, love is defined as multiple things [1].

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
   
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend
3. sexual passion or desire
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart

The problem is that none of these definitions give us a better understanding of the word than what we probably already had. To get straight to the core of the matter we must address what is causing feelings of affection, romance, or lust for another person. Scientists have laid out a list of the chemicals that stimulate the neurons in our brains and the cells in our bodies, leading to the feelings associated with love. [2]

• Dopamine - A neurotransmitter that seems to be the cause of sexual fantasy. Also acts as a pleasure chemical that gives a person a feeling of bliss or well-being.
  
• Epinephrine and Norepinephrine - Similar to adrenaline, these chemicals cause the heart to beat faster, enhancing the effects of nitric oxide and vasoactive intestinal polypeptide. All of these effects make us excited.
• Serotonin - Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is important in fighting depression. Sex causes an increase of serotonin which gives a person feelings of pleasure and happiness. Too much serotonin, however, can resultin the inability to become aroused.  [3] People who take antidepressants that increase their serotonin levels sometimes have decreased sex drives.
• Phenylethylamine (PEA) - This is a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of well-being and romance. It is a natural form of amphetamine that researchers say could be essential to falling in love. [5] Phenylethylamine levels increase after exercise and during orgasm and ovulation. It is also found in chocolate which may explain the connection people have of chocolate to romance and desire.
  
• Estrogen - The main sex hormone in women, estrogen is a steroid compound that increases dopamine levels. This causes desire and helps keep the sex drive healthy for both sexes. [6] Women have many times more estrogen than men.
  
• Testosterone - A hormone found in men and women, testosterone is responsible for feelings of desire. Men have many times more testosterone than women. Testosterone is also a main component for the sex drive and aggression.
  
• Nitric Oxide (NO) - This chemical increases blood flow and vessel dilation, which helps in arousal and sexual intercourse. [4]
• Pheromones - These are natural scents produced by the body and emitted through sweat pores. They cause unconscious sexual attraction and desire. [6]
• Alpha Melanocyte Polypeptide (AMP) - This is a hormone that is associated with male erections and a male's interest in sex. [7]
• Oxytocin - A hormone and neurotransmitter, oxytocin has been receiving a lot of attention in the academic world lately. Studies have found that oxytocin is key to human bonding and love. [8] It also causes female pelvic contractions during orgasm.
  
• Vasoactive Intestinal Polypeptide (VIP) - This is a naturally occurring chemical in the human body that has essentially the same effects as nitric oxide.

    Of course, these chemicals are nothing without the social and emotional aspects of love. To understand the many kinds of relationships a person can have we must start at the beginning: attraction.

Attraction

    A poll conducted by Ellen Berscheid in 1985 asked people what made them happy. Near the top of everyone's list was 'making and maintaining friendships and having positive, warm relationships'. [9] Without meaningful relationships people feel lonely, worthless, hopeless, helpless, powerless, and alienated. [10] It is theorized that one of the central motivations of people is "self-expansion", or the desire to overlap and blend with another person. By having relationships people are able to share knowledge, insights, and experiences with one another-- making life much more enjoyable. [11] Before relationships can develop, though, there must first be attraction.

Propinquity Effect

    Attraction is defined as liking or feeling strongly compelled to spend time and get to know another person. A simple determinant of attraction is who a person spends most of their time in proximity of and in contact with. The time spent with someone the higher chance a relationship will develop with him or her. Psychologists call this the propinquity effect. An interesting thing about the propinquity effect is how tiny an area people usually develop their relationships in. For example, a study found that 65% of the residents in one apartment building developed friendships with people that lived in that same building even though there were many other apartment buildings not very far away. The closer the doors in that apartment building were, the more likely it was that relationships developed. In other words, humans develop relationships based on who they are mostly to interact with. [12] We are not creatures who venture far outside of our immediate circles to make friends and lovers.
    Propinquity works by way of something called the mere exposure effect. [14] This states that the more exposure we have to a stimulus, the more we will like it. So if we are exposed to the same person over and over we begin to feel comfortable and develop feelings of friendship and warmth. If the person has serious character flaws, however, then continued exposure will make you dislike them even more than when you first met. [13]
    The original study that the propinquity effect took place in 1950, long before the invention of the personal computer and the development of the internet. Now that people are able to easily communicate with people hundreds or thousands of miles away, the propinquity effect must be adjusted slightly. The relationships we develop through the internet are defined by one's computer, and the distance a person has to that computer. Obviously, since a computer is often inside a person's home, developing relationships over the internet becomes very easy because of the amount of exposure the computer gives us to people. Studies are being performed now to understand the difference between computer-based relationships and face-to-face relationships. [15]
    One such study discovered that strangers who meet on the internet are often more attracted to each other than when they meet face-to-face. Though relationships often thrive while in cyberspace, it is hard to know whether they will survive once they meet in the 'real world'. [16] Another study found that strong friendships take a longer time to develop online than in the 'real world'. Friendships that had existed in cyberspace and offline for longer than a year were often equal in strength, but for any relationships under a year -- offline was stronger. [10]

Physical Attractiveness

    A massive study of men and women that spanned 33 countries, 6 continents, and 5 islands found that intelligence and kindness were at the top of everyone's list of desired traits. [21] After those, men preferred women who were physically beautiful and youthful over women who earned a lot of money. Women preferred men with good earning potential and ambition over physical attractiveness. Men seem to be more interested in the physical aspects of their potential partners than women are.
    Other, smaller scale studies seem to contradict the findings above. For instance, one study randomly matched 752 freshmen at the University of Minnesota to a blind date for an orientation week dance. [26] The couples had a couple of hours to dance and talk. In a survey afterward, physical attractiveness turned out to be the most important characteristic in determining whether or not a student would continue to see their date. Other studies are also finding that men and women value physical attractivness on an equal level. Because individual values vary so much, it makes it hard to conclude whether or not looks are more important to one sex over the other.
    A study performed in 2004 found that when looking at pictures of romantic partners, men's brains were activated in areas associated with visual stimuli and sexual arousal. Women's brains activated in areas associated with attention, emotion, and recall. [22]
    In one study, participants were asked to look at pictures of men and women and rate their physical attractiveness. Based on the results, researchers decided that highly attractive females have large eyes, a small nose, a small chin, prominent cheekbones, narrow cheeks, high eyebrows, large pupils, and a big smile. Highly attractive men have large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a large chin, and a big smile. [27][28]
    Some people argue that attractiveness is molded by the culture we live. Though the media can play a role in setting trends, perception of beauty and handsomeness seems to be similar across all cultures. [10] Researchers asked racially and culturally diverse people to rate the attractiveness of racially and culturally diverse people. Almost everyone picked the same people, showing that opinions of attractiveness are universal. This is arguably because humans have evolved to find certain dimensions of faces more attractive than others.
    People are physically attracted to one another based on symmetry. Beauty is associated with how symmetrical a person is. This 'beauty' or ideal physical attractiveness has evolved over time, and researchers have found many links between symmetry and scientific fact. [17]

• Symmetrical women and men have better immune response.
  
• Women will have more orgasms and retain more sperm when they are with a symmetrical partner.
• Men who look at pictures of symmetrical women will have an increase in levels of testosterone and dopamine.
  
• Symmetrical men begin having intercourse four years earlier than other men and will have more partners and more extramarital affairs.
  
• A woman's hands, breasts, and ears are more symmetrical during ovulation.
  

    Along with symmetry, waist-to-hip ratio determines attractiveness. A woman who has a standard waist-to-hip ratio of 70% will be more likely to have babies, have higher estrogen levels, become pregnant easier, get pregnant earlier, have fewer miscarriages, and have fewer chronic diseases and personality disorders. [18]
    We are also attracted to people who are familiar and resemble ourselves. A team of researchers took 16 and then 32 different faces and combined them into a composite picture. The researchers then asked individuals to rate the composite images and all of the pictures that made the composite face. The composite faces were more average than any of the individual photos and were voted as most attractive. This showed that people find familiarity very pleasing to the eyes. [29] Research has also shown that we are attracted to people who look like ourselves. When looking at people with similar facial characteristics as they have, the participants gave high attractiveness ratings. When a computer took the picture of a participant and morphed it into someone of the opposite sex, the participant gave that face very high attractiveness ratings. [30]
    Of course, what a person finds attractive can change depending on the goals of an individual, the time of the month, etc. One study involving 39 Japanese women found that they were attracted to more feminine faces when they were on the birth control pill. Without the birth control pill, they were attracted to the masculine faces. This shows that the lack of ovulation can change a woman's preference in their mate. Another study had 65 British women draw the face of their ideal mate for both short-term and long-term relationships. For short-term flings women preferred more masculine faces. For long-term relationships they drew more feminine faces. The conclusion to both these studies is that women want masculine looking men for flings and more feminine looking men for long haul relationships. [17] Evolutionarily speaking, this makes since women would look for masculine faces when trying to maximize the genetic contributions during sex for procreation, while feminine faces indicate a man who'd be better suited for child-rearing.

Scents

    People are also attracted to natural body scents, or pheromones. Women are more sensitive to pheromones than men. Studies have found that women are attracted to the scents coming from a man's major histocompatibility complex (MHC). [19] The MHC is a family of genes essential to a person's immune system. People are attracted to people with immune systems unlike their own. Women prefer MHC smells that are most different from their own. This is because women have evolved to seek mates that will increase immune system diversity in their offspring. Interestingly enough, women who were on birth control were attracted to men that emitted similar MHCs to their own. This may cause problems if a woman ever stops her birth control and realizes she married a man she isn't attracted to. Couples with opposite or dissimilar MHCs can conceive a child in an average of two months whereas those with similar MHCs conceive in an average of five months. Couples with similar MHCs have more unaided abortions than those with dissimilar MHCs.
    Women are not the only ones affected by smell. Men are also attracted to the natural scents produced by a woman. One study had men sniff the armpit scents of women and discovered that men were most attracted to women who were in between their first day of menstruation and ovulation. [20]

Similarity

    Scientific evidence strongly supports the old saying that 'birds of a feather flock together'. We are attracted to people that are similar to us, or that match our interests, attitudes, values, background, or personality.
    Sharing similar opinions and personalities seems to be critical in healthy and long lasting relationships. Many controlled experiments have shown that when opinions of one person line up with another person's, the more likely those two people will like each other. In one study, male college students were randomly assigned to be roommates in a dormitory on the campus of the University of Michigan. Men that were demographically similar or who shared similar opinions and values were more likely to become friends. [23] In another study involving the personalities of gay men, those who were alike in personality were also the best suited for one another. [24]
    Having the same interests and experiences is also important in the development of relationships. People put themselves into situations where they can find other people who share the same interests. For instance, those who take ballroom dancing will most likely find someone in their class who is interested in some of the same things they are.
    We are most attracted to those who have the same interpersonal communication skills as us. In a study of high-skill and low-skill communicators, those who shared the same views toward communication were more likely to get along. Relationships with people who have conflicting interpersonal communication skills will most likely fail. [25]
    There are at least three reasons why similarity is so important to attraction. [10]

1. We believe that people who are similar to us will like us, which makes it easier to initiate conversation and a relationship.
   
2. People who are similar will validate our own characteristics and beliefs. We want to believe that our opinions or lifestyles are right.
   
3. We make negative inferences about someone who disagrees with us on important issues.

    The only time similarity does not play an important role in choosing our friends and mates is when we are looking for 'flings', or short relationships. When commitment to a relationship is low or nonexistent, we don't care about the other person's opinions, communication styles, personality, etc. We only care about the sexual component and don't want to get attached. If a person is dissimilar it makes it easier to leave emotions out of the equation. Therefore, when we want a low commitment relationship, we will find someone who is different from ourselves. This adds excitement and a sense of adventure to the relationship, but makes it very hard to maintain for long periods of time. [24]

Theories   

    There are many different kinds of relationships and many different ways that they can develop. Scientists and philosophers propose theories to explain what love is and how it develops. These are just a few.

Triangular Theory of Love

    Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love states that there are three different components that characterize love. [31] The first component is intimacy, which involves feelings of closeness and connectedness. Intimacy, therefore, can be explained as the physical attraction we feel toward another human being. In the case of an interpersonal relationship, the intimacy component would take into account such things as sharing details with someone that you wouldn’t share with the average person, or wanting to spend all your time with this person. They are a close friend, but nothing more if the relationship only consists of intimacy. Another term for this kind of love is ‘liking’.
    Passion consists of romance, physical attraction, and sex. If someone is obsessed with another person because they have a great body and beautiful face, but don’t care about developing a friendship with that person then they are caught in a kind of love called ‘infatuation’. If they do have intimacy with the other person as well as passion, then their love is defined as ‘romantic’. This relationship would have everything except longevity.
    The third component is commitment which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another and, in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other. When commitment teams with passion and intimacy then the relationship is said to be one of ‘consummate love’, which is considered by some psychologists to be the healthiest kind of love. If a couple only had commitment, then it would be ‘empty love’ where they are staying together just for the sake of being a couple. [32] This can happen to people who have been married for many years and have drifted apart, but stay together because society says marriage is important.
    If a relationship showed intimacy and commitment then the couple would have ‘companionate’ love. There is no sexual or physical attraction involved but they share a very powerful friendship because it is strengthened by a devotion to time. If they had passion and commitment, then the love would be ‘fatuous’, which means that they would be caught up by their lust for each other and substitute that for real intimacy, devoting their lives to each other simply because of their physical and sexual attraction. A good example of ‘fatuous’ love would be the relationship characters Romeo and Juliet had in Shakespeare's famous play.

Evolutionary Approach to Love

    The evolutionary approach to love is a theory derived from evolutionary biology. [38] The theory states that men and women are attracted to characteristics in others because it maximizes their chances and abilities to reproduce. Evolutionary biology states that the main goal of all animals, including humans, is to pass on their genes. Women must deal with pregnancy and childbirth and since these can be painful and time consuming things, they have evolved to view reproducing as something very serious. Therefore, women choose their mates and mating times much more carefully than men because their success is measured on how well they can raise their offspring. A man's success in the animal world is measured by the number of offspring he can produce during his lifetime. This means that males have evolved to want to have sex whenever they can with whomever they find attractive.
    Understanding the evolutionary approach to love helps to shed insight on the strategies men and women use when choosing their lovers. Finding and keeping a mate requires that one show off their resources and attractiveness. Because of this we have evolved to respond to external cues from the opposite sex. A study of over 9,000 adults in 37 countries asked people what they searched for in another when looking for a marriage partner. [39] Women valued ambition, industriousness, and good earning capacity. Looking at this from the perspective of evolution, we can see why modern women would want a mate that can work hard to earn the money needed to raise children. Men in the study valued physical attractiveness more than the women. This makes sense under the rules of the evolutionary approach to love, which says that men will seek women who are youthful and capable of child birth.
    The evolutionary approach to love has received criticism from people who believe evolution can explain men and female choices and habits in many different ways. For instance, some people say that females would have had just as much of an evolutionary advantage having multiple partners as men did. By having the children of many men, it increases the likelihood that there will be someone to provide for the woman's offspring. Others argue that men and women equal value in physical attractiveness [40], or that men are taught to value physical attractiveness by the media and culture they grow up around. [41] Though the evolutionary approach to love is a good theory, it is definitely not perfect.

Social exchange theory

Equity theory

    The theory of attachment styles describes the various ways someone can act while in a relationship. Attachment styles develop in infants and rely on the kind of relationship they have with their primary caregiver. In other words, we learn how to treat others by the way we are treated in our very first relationships. The theory assumes that a person will develop and have a particular attachment theory their whole life. There are three different attachment styles. [42]

• Secure Attachment Style - There is a lot of trust in relationships of this attachment style. When securely attached there are no fears of being abandoned and a person will feel well liked and worthy of love.  Caregivers here will often be responsive to their children's needs and show positive emotions during interaction.
  
• Avoidant Attachment Style - This attachment style develops when a caregiver is distant and aloof. The child is rejected when trying to seek intimacy which results in the child having to suppress intimacy for fear of rejection. People who have this style will find it hard to develop intimate relationships.
  
• Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment Style - People with this attachment style will have high levels of anxiety and constant concern that their desire for intimacy will not be reciprocated. Caregivers of this style are usually inconsistent and overbearing with their affection. Since the infant can't predict how their caregiver will react to anything, they develop anxiety.

    The sad part about this theory is that there is only one style that will lead to truly healthy and long-term relationships; the secure attachment style. Those with the anxious/ambivalent attachment style have the shortest romantic relationships. [43] This is because they enter into relationships with people they do not know, and because they are often very upset and angry when their love is not reciprocated. People with avoidant attachment styles are least likely to ever enter into a romantic relationship and the most likely to say they've never been in love. [10] They maintain distance and low levels of involvement.
    Studies have found that, contrary to what the theory states, people are not doomed to have just one attachment style their whole. Some people change from one attachment style to another after learning from their adult relationships. [44] Overall, the attachment styles theory explains why people can have problems in their relationships, and offers perspective for those wanting to understand why they can never have long-term love.

Six Love Styles

    John Alan Lee examined different forms of love and came up with six styles to explain how people act in romantic relationships. [17][45]

• Agape - These people show a love that is selfless, spiritual, and giving. Their altruism and selflessness often does not produce healthy relationships since romance requires giving and taking from both members.
  
• Eros - These people are passionate, confident, and self-disclosing. They also enjoy intimacy. With such an intense level of passion, eros lovers find it hard to maintain their energy and relationships will not last.
  
• Pragma - These people require a partner and relationship that satisfies preexisting conditions. In other words, they want someone who fits their specific needs and desires. Completely rational and practical, pragma lovers don't focus on emotion when deciding their partners.
• Storge - These people are friendship-orientated, reliable, and companionable. Their focus on friendship helps them to develop romantic relationships.
• Ludus - These lovers are fun, exciting, and non self-disclosing. They love the thrill of starting a new romantic relationship but do not enjoy anything long-term. This is why a ludus prefers multiple partners.
• Mania - These lovers are dependent, possessive, jealous, and conflicted. They can become obsessive, threatening, and violent. Mania lovers yearn for love but will always experience disappointment.

    Mania and ludus lovers tend to stay away from each other because they are total opposites. Agape, eros, pragma, and storge will usually prefer to pair up with their same type but they will also sometimes intermingle with one another.

Lust, Romance, and Attachment

Lust
    Lust is the urge for sexual gratification and release. There are no feelings of commitment that accompany lust, and it is often times the cause of one night stands or short-term relationships. Lust is associated with increased levels of testosterone in both of the sexes. [47] Testosterone levels will rise and fall based on external cues. For men, visuals that remind them of sex will cause an increase in testosterone. For women, testosterone rises when they encounter something romantic such as words and situations which suggest affection.
Romance
    Romance is the elation and obsession a person has when they are in love with someone. It is caused by but not limited to the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, testosterone, phenylethamine, and serotonin. Romance causes dopamine levels to increase in the nucleus accumbens, caudate nucleus, and ventral tegmental area. Studies have shown that increased dopamine can cause an animal to fall in love with anything nearby. [46] People can become addicted to romance because dopamine works on the reward network pathway in the brain. If romance isn't fulfilled then more dopamine is created which just causes the person to yearn for love even more.
    As dopamine levels increase, testosterone and norepinephrine will increase as well. The testosterone will increase sexual desire while the norepinephrine increases imagination, energy, and euphoria. [48] Norepinephrine also helps the brain establish memories, which is why recollections of loved ones can be particularly strong. [49]
    While all of these neurotransmitters increase, serotonin levels decrease. This causes the obsessive aspect that often accompanies love. People will lose track of time, space, and business while they think about their loved one. [41]
Attachment
    Attachment is a word to describe all of the feelings a person has when they are in a secure, committed relationship with someone they love. Attachment can occur with or without lust and romance and is caused mainly by the chemicals vasopressin and oxytocin. These chemicals are produced in the hypothalamus and gonads and lead to bonding and monogamy. [50] Bonding in women is caused mostly by oxytocin whereas bonding in men is caused by vasopressin. The level of vasopressin and vasopressin receptors will help determine whether or not someone will be monogamous. These two chemicals will increase after sex, which gives couples a sense of closeness and commitment. [51] They also help develop bonds with infants.
    Where oxytocin and vasopressin cause monogamy, testosterone can lead to infidelity. [52] Single men tend to have lower levels of testosterone than men who are in committed relationships. When men in relationships get a sudden burst of testosterone they are more likely to act on impulse and cheat on their lovers.
    Long-term viability of relationships can also be explained with two principles: the interpersonal reflex and the behavior concordance model. The interpersonal reflex states that acts performed in relationships have the intent of eliciting response from the other member of the relationship. Depending on the response received, the person will either keep performing the interpersonal act or stop. [25]
    The behavior concordance model states that people feel happy when they behave consistently with their traits and unhappy when they don't. [53] If someone likes to talk but has no one to talk to then they will be unhappy. Or if someone likes to work and has plenty of challenges and goals, then they will be happy. To make sure a relationship lasts a long time, both members must stimulate each other in ways that validate core interests and behaviors.

Dating

    When people want to get to know each other better, especially when trying to decide if they want to become involved in a long-term relationship, they will go out on dates. A date can encompass any kind of activity that two or more people engage in. They allow for courtship and very in length. Dating typically begins during adolescence. [71] Popular dates in America include going to dinner, the movies, miniature golfing, etc. Traditionally it has been the man's job to pay for everything on a date, but that rule is not always enforced in modern culture. When couples on a date split the costs of whatever they're doing, it is called 'going Dutch' for slang. [66]
    Dates can change depending on a person's values and culture. For instance, some people have sex on the first date while others will not have sex until they are married. [67][68] Some people will only date those who are the same religion or ethnicity as they are.
    People can be set up on blind dates, which means that they are meeting somebody they have never seen or communicated with before. [65] Usually blind dates are arranged by someone who thinks they know a good romantic match.
    Dating is not limited to people meeting in person, since there can also be dates that take place over the phone or on the internet. Since instant messaging, online dating services, and web cams have gained popularity, it is much more commonplace to have dates and relationships in cyberspace. [64]
Arranged Marriage
    Some couples will skip dating and courtship altogether and marry someone that has been prearranged for them. [69] This is rare in western culture but it does still happen all over the world, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. Usually parents of royal families or of a certain culture and belief system will make arrangements with people they feel are fit to carry on the royal bloodline or share in culture and beliefs. Sometimes arrangements are made as early as birth, with children being raised knowing that their spouse has already been chosen for them. Other times marriages will be arranged without the involvement of parents.
    Arranged marriage is a hard concept for modern western society to grasp. Many people proactively disagree with the practice, feeling that it eliminates romance and free choice. [70]

Sex

    Sex is a very important part of romantic relationships. Many times we will start our relationships because of a mutual sexual attraction. This attraction eventually leads to intercourse, which is one of the most intimate acts a person can take part in. People have sex because it feels good, brings them closer together, and brings them children. Almost the entire brain and body becomes activated during intercourse. The phases of sex are excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. They are explained in more detail here. Frequent sex carries these health benefits [54]:

• Lowers risk of heart attacks
• Burns an average of 200 calories per session
• Releases endorphins that help eliminate chronic pain
• Calms anxiety and reduces depression
  
• Increases activity of the immune system
• Releases oxytocin and DHEA that can inhibit the development of breast cancer
• Better bladder control
• Healthier teeth and prostate
  
• May increase lifespan

    It was not until the 'sexual revolution' that took place in the mid to late 1900's that sex became such an open subject. [55] People no longer have to shy away from talking about sex. They are liberated to have sex whenever and with whomever they want so long as it does not break any laws. Birth control methods were also introduced to the market during this time and it has opened new doors to sex as a 'fun' activity and not just a way to have kids. Relationships have been enhanced since the revolution now that couples can openly discuss what they sexually desire. This is especially true for women, who until rather recently were not given much sexual satisfaction. The 'androcentric' model states that the sexual needs of women have been traditionally ignored by men and society. [56] This led to sexual frustration in women who were not being satisfied by their husbands or boyfriends. To get stimulation of the clitoris, women would have to resort to a state of 'hysteria', or sexual frustration, where they would show irritability, sleep and appetite disturbance, fainting, fluid retention, muscle spasm, and nervousness. After visiting a doctor's office and letting him know of her hysteria, she would have her clitoris stimulated by a nurse or midwife. This practice is not used anymore now that knowledge about the clitoris, sex, and masturbation are all commonplace.
Affairs
    When people cheat on their loved one they can do it in two different ways: emotionally and sexually. There are different types of infidelity that occur for different reasons under different circumstances. [57]

• Opportunistic Infidelity - When someone is in love with their partner in a relationship but succumbs to sexual urges with someone else, then it is called opportunistic infidelity. This usually occurs in situations where alcohol and drugs are present, or in other situational circumstances of opportunity. The more in love they are with their partner, the more guilt he or she will feel.
  
• Obligatory Infidelity - Obligatory infidelity is based mostly on fear that resisting sexual advances will result in rejection. These people cheat because they need approval from the people they meet. Someone who engages in obligatory infidelity will often have strong feelings for their partner but can't say no to other people.
  
• Romantic Infidelity - When a person has very little emotional attachment to their partner then they are likely to commit romantic infidelity. Many times romantic infidelity occurs when someone is committed to a relationship with a spouse that they no longer have any romantic feelings for. This person then longs for intimacy and romance from someone other than their spouse.
  
• Conflicted Romantic Infidelity - When a person has a love and sexual desire for two or more people at the same time then they are engaging in conflicted romantic infidelity. These people will try and juggle multiple romantic relationships which causes a great deal of anxiety and stress. Eventually, everyone involved in a conflicted romantic infidelity circle will get hurt.
  
• Commemorative Infidelity - This infidelity occurs when a person is in a relationship with someone they have absolutely no feelings for. They feel they have the right to look for what they are not currently getting in their relationship and so they cheat. For whatever reason, the person engaging in commemorative infidelity will find it hard to break off the relationship they have due to feelings of vapid commitment.
  

    Women will usually have more distress over the emotional aspect of cheating than the sexual. A woman will be angrier about the sexual aspect of infidelity when she has low hormonal levels during menstruation. When hormone levels are high, during ovulation, then she will be more upset about the emotional aspect of infidelity. [58] Men will tend to be more upset about the sexual aspect of infidelity than the emotional. These differences in attitude developed through evolution. [61] A man will become jealous when he finds out his partner has been having sex with someone else because it means that she might get pregnant with another man's baby, and he will be the one who has to take care of it. Women, on the other hand, don't care so much that their man had a one-night-stand. They are more worried that the man will develop feelings for this new woman and possibly leave the relationship.
    Estimates are that 60% of men and 40% of women will have at least one extramarital affair during their lives. [59] Women usually cheat because of dissatisfaction with their current marital relationship. The woman committing infidelity is looking for a replacement to their current partner. Women are more likely to show infidelity during ovulation, when estrogen levels are highest. [60] Men will have relationships whether or not they are unhappy with their current relationship. There is no time of the month that men are more likely to commit adultery.
    It is important for both members of a relationship to try and work out their problems before they resort to having an affair. Marriage problems can cause serious stress on both members of the relationship as well as their children. When marriage is unsatisfactory, a man will emotionally withdraw from his children. The absence of a father can cause a child to engage in sexual activity at an earlier age and do poorer in school. A lack of a father also increases cortisol levels in boys, which causes tremendous stress and shortens lifespan. The lack of a mother will cause higher cortisol levels in both boys and girls. [62] Children who are brought up with both parents in their lives will live longer and healthier than those who are not. So, even if a couple breaks up or divorces, it is important that both members stay in constant contact with children they had during the relationship.

Breaking Up

    Breaking up with someone you love is perhaps one of the most painful experiences a person can have. When a person is rejected they will often go through two phases. [17] The first phase involves the same series of neurotransmitters that occur when a person is falling in love. This happens as we try to make our loved one reconsider the relationship in hopes that things can be worked out. Dopamine and norepinephrine levels will increase while serotonin levels fall. When our pleas do not work, abandonment rage will flood our system. The mix of love and rage a person feels at this point is highly emotional and painful. In the second phase, the person will slowly realize over time that they've lost their loved one forever. Cortisol levels will rise (causing stress), the immune system will weaken, and depression will take over. Serotonin levels are at rock bottom during this second phase, which causes people to become violent and/or self defeating. A person must keep busy by engaging in fun activities and eventually they will come out of their depression and return to a 'normal' state of being.
Why We Break Up
    People break up for a number of reasons. The reasons can be divided into and explained by four different types of behavior that cause troubled relationships. The first two types are destructive and negative behaviors while the last two are positive and constructive.

1. Actively harming the relationship. This includes physical and emotional abuse, threats of leaving, and actually leaving a relationship.
   
2. Passively allowing the relationship to deteriorate. This includes refusal to deal with relationship problems, spending less time with a partner, ignoring a partner, and putting little or no energy into a relationship.
   
3. Actively trying to improve the relationship. This includes discussing problems, going to see a therapist, and trying to change. Sometimes it means taking a break from the relationship.
   
4. Passively remaining loyal to the relationship. This includes being supportive instead of fighting and remaining optimistic about a relationship.

    Destructive behaviors will harm a relationship much more than constructive behaviors will help it. If both partners in a relationship act destructively then the relationship will usually end. If just one partner acts destructively then the other one will usually act constructively to try and save the relationship. [63]
    Sometimes attitudes about lovers can change during a relationship so that what was once attractive in a partner is now what makes you dislike them. For example, a woman might start a relationship with a guy because he is so exciting and different than she is. She falls in love with his bizarre personality. Later on, she may wish she had a man who was more like her so that she could relate better. Now she dislikes the guy because he is too different. The thing that brought them together tears them apart. Breakups like these are examples of 'fatal attractions'. [64] Around thirty percent of breakups are fatal attractions.
Best Way to End
    What is better-- to be the one who initiates a break up or to be the one who receives a break up? To answer this question, social psychologist Robin Akert gave a series of questions to 344 college age men and women asking about relationship break ups. [10] One question asked what level of participation the person had in the break-up process. Those who made the decision to end the relationship and took the most charge were called breakers, and those who took little responsibility in the decision were breakees. The questions which followed asked about the person’s level of happiness after the break-up. Those who were breakers reported very little physical discomfort and sadness while breakees were absolutely devastated and often times ill. Those who ended their relationships on a mutual agreement with their partners experienced the most even level of comfort and happiness. This is why it is always best to try and end a relationship on a mutual level.
    Research has found that one sex does not end the relationship more often than the other. Breakups are equally made across the sexes.

Conclusion

    Romantic relationships and love are essential aspects of being human. It is instinct to seek partners with whom we can share life's joys and miseries with. It may sometimes take many partners before we find the 'right' one, and sometimes we may never find the love of our lives. No matter what, though, intimacy is an experience well worth the pleasure and pain. We understand ourselves and the world better when we open our hearts to love.