What do you do when your usually sweet son suddenly throws himself on the floor at Grandma’s house and begins flailing his arms and legs around? How about when your daughter screams every time she doesn’t get candy at the grocery store? Or when she refuses to stay in her car seat after picking her brother up at school?
Temper tantrums can be difficult for parents to learn to deal with and can bring on feelings of frustration, anger, embarrassment, and failure. They can cause parents to become unhinged, resulting in even more yelling and screaming. That’s why it is important to remember that tantrums are a normal part of most children’s development; they are not caused by bad parenting, or by any other failure on your part.
There are, however, things you can do to reduce the likelihood of tantrums occurring – and to ease their intensity or shorten their duration when they do occur.
Temper tantrums are outbursts of behavior during which control is lost. In kids, tantrums may begin with sulking or crankiness, and then something sets the tantrum off. When kids have tantrums, they may kick, scream, throw things, hold their breath, throw themselves on the floor, hit, cry, or flail their arms and legs. The episodes often last between 30 seconds and two minutes, and may leave kids exhausted afterwards. Tantrums occur equally in both boys and girls, and are most common in kids ages one to three years old. Having tantrums is almost universal, but some children will do so frequently and others only rarely. Some kids are more prone to tantrums, such as those who are strong willed or very emotional. When kids have tantrums, it is usually around their parents and other family members. There are many children who never have a tantrum when a family member isn’t present. Some experts feel this is because kids feel most comfortable with their family.
As noted above, temper tantrums are a normal part of development. As kids get to be about two years old, they are becoming more independent, and learning to exert their control more. They see things that they want to have, think of things they want their parents to do, and observe activities in which they want to participate. However, they may not physically be able to do these things, or they may not have the words to express what they want or what they are feeling. These inabilities lead to feelings of frustration, which may result in a temper tantrum. As a child’s language skills improve, tantrums often become less frequent. When kids have the ability to express what they want verbally, they may be less likely to act out physically and emotionally. Some parents teach their children (with normal hearing) sign language before they are verbal in the hopes of improving their communication skills and reducing their frustrations. Further studies need to be done to see if sign language has a significant effect on temper tantrums.
Temper tantrums can be difficult for parents to learn to deal with and can bring on feelings of frustration, anger, embarrassment, and failure. They can cause parents to become unhinged, resulting in even more yelling and screaming. That’s why it is important to remember that tantrums are a normal part of most children’s development; they are not caused by bad parenting, or by any other failure on your part.
There are, however, things you can do to reduce the likelihood of tantrums occurring – and to ease their intensity or shorten their duration when they do occur.
What are temper tantrums and who has them?
Temper tantrums are outbursts of behavior during which control is lost. In kids, tantrums may begin with sulking or crankiness, and then something sets the tantrum off. When kids have tantrums, they may kick, scream, throw things, hold their breath, throw themselves on the floor, hit, cry, or flail their arms and legs. The episodes often last between 30 seconds and two minutes, and may leave kids exhausted afterwards. Tantrums occur equally in both boys and girls, and are most common in kids ages one to three years old. Having tantrums is almost universal, but some children will do so frequently and others only rarely. Some kids are more prone to tantrums, such as those who are strong willed or very emotional. When kids have tantrums, it is usually around their parents and other family members. There are many children who never have a tantrum when a family member isn’t present. Some experts feel this is because kids feel most comfortable with their family.
Why do temper tantrums happen?
As noted above, temper tantrums are a normal part of development. As kids get to be about two years old, they are becoming more independent, and learning to exert their control more. They see things that they want to have, think of things they want their parents to do, and observe activities in which they want to participate. However, they may not physically be able to do these things, or they may not have the words to express what they want or what they are feeling. These inabilities lead to feelings of frustration, which may result in a temper tantrum. As a child’s language skills improve, tantrums often become less frequent. When kids have the ability to express what they want verbally, they may be less likely to act out physically and emotionally. Some parents teach their children (with normal hearing) sign language before they are verbal in the hopes of improving their communication skills and reducing their frustrations. Further studies need to be done to see if sign language has a significant effect on temper tantrums.
How can temper tantrums be avoided?
While outbursts cannot be completely avoided, there are ways to lessen the likelihood of a tantrum occurring. *Grant some control: By giving a child some control over small decisions, you can make him feel more in charge of what’s happening in his life. For example, let your son pick which shirt he wants to wear, what shape pasta to buy at the supermarket, and if he wants to go on the slide or the swings first at the playground. Give him two choices; more than that, and young kids can get overwhelmed. It can help to not be either too strict or too lenient, so that kids get their way on minor issues, but understand that you are the one in control. If your child expresses a desire to do something, rather than immediately saying no, consider sometimes saying yes if it is something safe. This can allow you to pick your battles. If your daughter wants five more minutes to play ball outside, it’s okay to give in. However, if she wants to ride her bike without a helmet, there’s nothing to discuss: the answer is no. *Reduce frustration: By having your child participate in age appropriate activities and play with developmentally suitable toys, you can avoid some of the frustration that occurs when kids try to do things too advanced for them. There’s nothing wrong with your two year old son playing with your five year old daughter, but make sure he is able to attain some success. If you see your child trying to do something, and beginning to get frustrated, intervene before a tantrum starts. This will be much more effective than trying to stop it once a tantrum begins. *Avoid triggers: Similarly, try to avoid triggers that may set off a temper tantrum. When your child has tantrums, keep a tantrum diary. By recording what the child was doing at other times that day, as well as what preceded the tantrum, you may get some insight into your child’s triggers. For example, some kids have more tantrums in the afternoon after they’ve had a morning play date and missed their nap. Others have more tantrums when they go with mom on several errands in a row. By figuring out what sets your child off, you can minimize the exposure to those triggers. Don’t eat things in front of your child that he’s not allowed to have. When scheduling play dates, take meals and nap times into consideration. If you know your daughter acts up when you go to three stores in a row, split up your errands so that you do a couple and then go home for a nap. Your child may give you trouble in the market, which is a common location for tantrums. There are attractive packages, and tempting treats all around. You can lessen the chances of a tantrum occurring by avoiding going to the supermarket when your child is tired or hungry. Some parents even bring a small snack with them so their child can munch while going through the aisles. Another helpful idea is to write down each thing that your child asks for in the market, without putting the products in your basket. Then at the end of your shopping, let your child pick one or two items from the list. Additionally, before going to the store, make a list of what you need with your child. As you go through the store picking up items, check things off the list. In this way, you can show your child that you are going to the store to get things that you need, not just what you happen to feel like at that moment. *Redirect: Rather than just telling your child that she cannot do something, show her what she is allowed to do. If she is not allowed to throw a ball in the living room, go outside together to play catch. If she wants to draw on the kitchen chairs, show her that drawing is for paper, and sit down together to draw. By redirecting kids towards allowed behaviors, you can help them learn to channel their desires in acceptable ways.*Make your expectations clear: By being specific about your expectations and plans, you can help avoid future confrontations. For example, tell your child, “When Emily comes over today, I expect you to share your toys, and behave nicely. We’ll eat lunch all together, and then she’ll go home.” When you are setting rules, don’t be apologetic for the rules. Be firm and clear, yet still nice, when explaining what you expect. *Be consistent: The same rules should always apply, regardless of which parent is home, or who else is in the house. For example, hitting should never be allowed, without any exceptions. When exceptions are made, kids get mixed messages, and take away that sometimes hitting is an okay way to solve a conflict. Discuss with your child’s other caregivers how you want rule-breaking and tantrums to be handled. By consistently responding the same way, parents can make it easier for children to understand what is expected of them. *Set a good example: When you get frustrated with a situation, try to stay calm. Never use physical methods to punish or send a message. If your daughter watches you scream when your son leaves dirty clothes on the floor, or she gets spanked when she draws on those kitchen chairs, she will learn that physical reactions and yelling are acceptable ways to deal with upsetting situations. If your kids observe you handling conflicts and frustrations calmly, they will learn to do so as well.
When tantrums occur, how should they be handled?
While you can do your best to avoid tantrums, sometimes they still happen. Most importantly, when a tantrum occurs, try to avoid a big response. Even if it is negative attention your child is receiving, it is still attention. Getting attention is attractive to kids, which may make the behavior more likely to be repeated. Try to stay calm, keep stress levels low, and maintain a peaceful atmosphere without allowing the situation to escalate. While a tantrum is going on, stay where you can see the child, and where he can see you. But rather than obviously watching him, try reading a book or folding laundry. That way you are making sure your child is safe, while not directing attention towards him. As long as your child is in a safe place where you can see him, and is not doing anything to hurt himself or anyone else, it is okay to ignore the outburst. However, if you are in public, it is best to go together to a quiet place to calm down. This may mean leaving a cart full of groceries in the aisle, or walking away from the dinner table at a restaurant. Keeping your child in a public place during a tantrum is not teaching him a lesson; it is only disturbing others around you. Sometimes, if a tantrum is caught early, you can try to distract your child in order to interrupt the behavior. Often, your child may be past the point of being easily distracted, and the tantrum may continue. If your child is completely out of control or at risk of hurting himself or someone else, try holding him close to you and using a soothing voice to calm him down. Some kids respond well to being held, others will push you away. If you can figure out what set off the tantrum, it may help determine how to get the tantrum to stop. If your daughter fell while trying to keep up with her older sibling, then goes into a tantrum, she may need a hug and comforting. If, on the other hand, she is mad because she can’t get a toy that she wants, ignoring her behavior will likely be more effective. Whenever your child eventually calms down, give her a hug and praise her for calming down. Remember to reassure her that you love her.Whatever you do during a tantrum, don’t give in to the demands your child is expressing. Even though it will make life easier and less embarrassing in the short term, giving in will sabotage your long-term goals. If your child sees that tantrums get results, you will soon have more and more tantrums on your hands.
When does a doctor need to be involved?
If at any time you feel like you’re having trouble handling the tantrums, they’re becoming more common or intense, they’re lasting longer or becoming destructive, or your child is hurting himself or others, talk to your pediatrician. Also let your pediatrician know if your child is holding his breath to the point of fainting, or if your child’s tantrums persist by the age of four years. Most tantrums come to a natural end as kids mature and are better able to accomplish their physical and emotional goals. By staying calm and maintaining control of the situation, you can help your child learn to handle frustrations using more effective methods than tantrums.
More information
References
Shevlov, Steven P, ed. Caring for your baby and young child: Birth to age 5. New York: Bantam Books, 1998.
“Taming tempers.” KidsHealth.org. April 2006, accessed 28 February 2008.
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/temper.html
“Temper tantrums.” AskDrSears.com. 2006, accessed 29 February 2008.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp
“Temper tantrums.” C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, Barton Schmitt, MD. 2 March 2006, accessed 29 February 2008.
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_btantrum_hhg.htm
“Temper tantrums.” DrGreene.com. 21 May 1996, accessed 29 February 2008.
http://www.drgreene.com/21_565.html
“Temper tantrums.” KidsHealth.org. February 2005, accessed 28 February 2008.
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html
“Temper tantrums.” WebMD.com. 13 December 2006, accessed 29 February 2008.
Anonymous
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I taught my daughter to write on drawing paper instead of on the wall, using the above mentioned approach, and to play with the ball inside as long as she used te soft ball I bought for that purpose alone. ..and it worked.
But then I am not a controlling parent and don't believe in autocratic parenting styles where rules are made by parents and they are imposed on children without explaning to them why they are there for.
\Children are new to the world. They have a lot to learn and understand about the human rule- system, and we parents are there for that purpose. But enforcing rules by slapping, ignoring till the child has exhausted him/herself, are like using them without wisdom, but with force and with obstinacy.
This kind of actions by parents teaches children to behave in exactly that same manner with their siblings/ later on with friends/ and still later when they grow up and become parents them selves.
Also it would be wise to read up on ATTACHMENTS in children who have been dished out AUTOCRATIC PARENTING in their childhood. As opposed to AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING both autocratic and lenient parenting LEAD TO EMOTIONAL INSECURITIES.
I hope only to help and guide ..not to impose any of this on anyone. Thanks for reading.
Millard Jacobs
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Best thing to do Sometimes!!
http://brain-experim
gantlord
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Ridiculous
Steven Edelman
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Tantrums
1. A parent shared this one. She carries a small makeup mirror for herself. When her daughter tantrumed she simply pulled out the mirror held it in front of the child's face, and she stopped the tantrum. Will it work for every child? Probably not, but it will for some.
2. I was a school psychologist for 16 years in the same district. One day, I was walking down the hall and I saw three teachers standing around a seven year old who was on the floor in full tantrum. They were all shouting "Get up! Get back to class." I told them that I could get her back to class in under a minute, and asked if they would let me try. They looked at each other and smiled, saying no one could get this kid to do anything, but "go ahead." First, I got on the floor facing the child. When she looked me in the eye, I put my thumb in my mouth. She did the same. I knew she would. Try screaming with your thumb in your mouth. You can't do it. After a few seconds I told her that my thumb was strawberry flavored, and asked her about hers. She told me the flavor of her thumb. We resumed thumb sucking for a few seconds. I took mine out and asked if she was okay. She said she was. I asked if she was ready to go to class. She said she was. I then said, in a soft voice, "You can go to class now." She did. The teachers looked surprised.
3. Unique redirection and active ignoring - This works for the under threes most of the time. Most tantrums are centered on the upper half of the body. Try removing (or putting on) one shoe or sock. Don't say a word. When the tantrum does not stop do the other foot. Keep it up until the tantrum stops. This has worked dozens of times. It works with the atypical tantrums as well. The most extreme case it worked on was a baby who was neglected. He was eventually placed with loving foster parents and adopted. At the time I saw him, he could tantrum for hours. Stopping the tantrum with this unusual method enabled him to get the real love and attention he needed.
You NEVER need to hit a child to stop a tantrum. It's just plain wrong.
Anonymous
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:)
DamnedYankee
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Typical
1.) laugh at the child, and make sure they know you are laughing at how foolish they look as a result of their tantrum.
2.) A good hard slap - preferably on the cheak, if not, the buttocks - followed immediately by the words, "that's going to happen each time you do that".
Of course neither of these methods will show up in the touchy feely references cited by you. That's because these solutions cause the child to learn quickly that his behaviour is unnacceptable. It's also becuase they work, usually immediately, and there is almost no way to write a whole book(and sell it) on either or both methods.
The whole point of a tantrum is an attempt to control a situation. Of course the behaviour is caused by lack of control - what control is a 2 year old capable of - most are barely able to control their own bowels ! a 2 year old has no right, or ability to control anything, and pretending to give them control merely reinforces their delusion that they do have some.
Of course, following my advice would cut the pharmceutical companies out of the loop, and would eliminate the need to send the child to an analyst, or medicate him into a stupor, so I suppose you'll never advocate it.
One problem the children face is the extreme ideas displayed here.
In the Knol the ideas are far to complex in relation to a small child( your letting a molehill become a mountain by not controlling the child) If you don't teach the child control, how will the child ever learn it? On the otherhand In the typical comment the idea is slap the kid and tell'em to shut their stupid mouth.(how is the child going to learn how to respect others if you don't teach them what respect is?) Kids deserve respect from us adults, as well as dicipline and most of all Lets not forget LOVE!!!
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These are the same people who wish to somehow outlaw bullying. What happens in later years when those children get angry ? They go on shooting sprees, or end up kicking their opponent to death. Why ? Why did we never hear of such things thirty years ago ? It is increasingly clear that without some bullying, and the occasional fight, children grow up with a false sense of their place in society. They fail (somehow) to associate the pain they inflict on someone else with their own pain. When they do encounter a situation that is beyond their control, they react in extremely violent ways, because they have never learned, through physical pain of their own, how to control their own emotions. They haven't leanred what a fair fight is. They haven't learned that when the opponent is *down* the fight is over. Those lessons used to be learned in the playground, but now are not.
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